This Guy
by Driftingthought
Summary: What would really happen if Slade showed up in the Teen Titans GO television show? Well, this is a story that will tell you. Rated K for pain and blood.
1. Crime Alert

Rated K+ for pain, injury, and other canonical stuff. I don't own Teen Titans GO or any of its franchises.

* * *

This Guy

Somewhere in the fictional location of Jump City sat a tower in the shape of a _T._ No one really knew how this _T_ -shaped tower defied the laws of physics and managed to stay upright, but no one really cared! The fact of the matter was, inside this tower lived five of the coolest, most epic, awesome teenagers this world has ever —

"Titans!" Robin bellowed, sliding into the living room and knocking over Raven's and Starfire's chess game in the process. "We have an emergency!"

"What is it, bro?" Cyborg asked, relaxing on the sofa and taking another bite of his hamburger.

"It's the worst thing to ever happen to the Titans!" Robin said, facing Cyborg and swatting the hamburger out of his hands. "The _worst_."

"Hey, I was eating that!" Cyborg complained.

"What's up?" Beast boy asked from across the room, busy playing with a ball of yarn while in cat form.

"Hurry up and tell us so we can go back to our lives," Raven muttered, using her powers to reset the chess game to how it was before Robin knocked it over.

"It's horrible!" Robin said, smashing his fist on the chessboard and once again ruining the game. "I've lost something!"

"What'd you lose?" Beast Boy asked.

"Is it your staff of bows?" Starfire asked.

"Your arm?" Raven muttered, her eyes briefly flashing red as she reset the chessboard for the second time.

"Is it your coolness?" Cyborg asked.

"Like he ever had it," Beast Boy said, changing into an octopus so he could slap Cyborg's hand.

"Oh, Beasty slammed you, Robin!" Cyborg laughed.

Robin took out his stick and wacked the octopus Beast Boy a few times for good measure. "I told you guys again and again. _I_ am the coolest of the Titans. Starfire's the prettiest, Raven's the creepiest, Cyborg's the strongest, and Beast Boy . . . the weirdest."

"Sweet!" Beast Boy said. "I get a label!"

Raven laughed. "Uh, you are _not_ the coolest, Robin."

"On a scale of one to ten," Cyborg said, "you're like, negative pi."

"Negative pi?" Beast Boy asked.

"Yeah, because your uncoolness goes on _forever!_ "

Beast Boy, now a monkey, was pumping his fist into the air as he slapped Cyborg on the back. "Dude, Cyborg owned you!"

"It's pretty accurate," Raven said, "Of the five of us, I'd say Robin is at the bottom of the list without dispute."

"I am the highest on the list!" Robin snarled. "Do I have to show my superiority with another Crane Kick?"

Beast Boy flinched and changed back into his human form. "Uh, what did you say you lost, anyway?" he asked, quick to change the subject.

"What? Oh, yeah, that," Robin said. "As I was saying, it is _horrible_."

"We know that," Cyborg said. "What'd you lose?"

"I lost," Robin began, inhaling deeply and pausing for dramatic effect, "my left boot!" he said, holding up his foot and wiggling his toes. "Has anyone seen it?"

"That's what you ruined our chess game twice for?" Raven said, her eyes turning red.

"Sorry, I didn't — "

"Hey, Mama, chill out. I'll play you a game of chess if you want," Beast Boy said, sauntering over to Raven. Raven instantly punched him with a wave of magic, effectively silencing him.

"So, has anyone seen my boot?" Robin asked.

"I have seen your foot boot, Robin," Starfire said. "My beloved Silkie wanted something to chew on, and so I gave him your one boot to — "

"You what?!" Robin yelled. "Silkie? My boot? What were you thinking? Nothing?"

"I was thinking a thing, Robin," Starfire said. "I was just thinking that — "

"Never mind. Where is Silkie?"

"Behind the couch," Cyborg said, settling back onto the sofa.

Instantly, Robin lifted up the couch with one hand and threw it over his shoulder, causing Cyborg to scream like a girl before he, couch and all, landed right on top of Raven's and Starfire's chess game a third time. "Silkie! Give me my boot!" Robin said.

Silkie, in the middle of chewing off the toe of Robin's boot, refused to give his prize up. The two had a tug-of-war match for a few moments before Robin finally let go. In a flash, Silkie swallowed the boot. Robin, blinking and looking again at his boot-less foot again, sat down and began to cry.

"And he thinks he's cool," Cyborg muttered.

"That does not look like one who is, 'the cool,' " Starfire said.

"How am I going to f-fight crime with only one boot?" Robin sobbed. "I'll look like an idiot!"

"You mean like how you look right now?" Beast Boy asked.

"Do not worry, crying friend Robin!" Starfire said, picking up Silkie and tickling his tummy. Silkie laughed for a few moments, then burped up Robin's boot. Robin, jumping up in delight, put the boot back on and put his hands on his hips, grinning.

"I'm cool again," Robin sighed in happiness.

"Uh . . . yeah," Raven said. "Now if you don't mind, can we continue our chess game?"

"Not until you all admit that I'm the coolest Titan!" Robin said, glaring at each one of them in turn.

"Well," Beast Boy began, scratching his neck.

"I don't know," Cyborg said.

Suddenly, a crime alert went off at the Tower, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief behind Robin's back as he accessed the Tower's database.

"Who is it, Robin?" Starfire asked.

"Yeah, whose butt do we get to kick this time?" Cyborg asked, slamming one fist into the other hand.

But Robin only stood at the database, frozen. "It's . . . our arch-nemesis," he breathed.

"Who is the criminal?" Starfire asked, nudging to get closer. "Dr. Light?"  
"My dad?" Raven asked.

"Cinderblock?" Cyborg asked.

"Robin's boiled potatoes?" Beast Boy asked. Everyone glared at him. "What?" he asked. "Those things are pretty villainous!"

"Who is it?" Raven repeated.

"Everyone . . . " Robin looked over both shoulders to build the dramatic effect. "It's . . . " He did the same thing again as he got closer, and Cyborg rolled his eyes.

"Who's the villain, dude?" Cyborg asked.

"Slade."

A group gasp followed, and everyone froze in their positions of terror. An entire day passed with them in that position, then finally Robin shook himself free. "Titans, we've got to stop him."

"But I thought he was already 'the stopped,' " Starfire said.

"The dude never goes away," Cyborg muttered.

"That's okay," Beast Boy said. "He's just another villain, right?"

Everyone smiled awkwardly at one another as they tried to believe Beast Boy's words.

"We've got to take him down," Robin said, already pulling out his bowstaff. "Titans, go!"

The five rushed into the elevator, pushing against each other as they crammed into the too-small space.

"Cy, get your elbow off my arm!" Beast Boy complained.

"That's _my_ elbow," Raven said.

"Oh, then you can keep it there, Mama," Beast Boy said smugly.

Raven used her powers to punch Beast Boy, but the force of the attack threw Beast Boy against Robin. Robin's staff accidentally poked him in the eye, and he yelped in pain.

"My eye!" Robin cried. "My coolness!"

"Your coolness?" Beast Boy groaned. "My back! Mama, why do you got to be so — "

"Come again?" Raven growled.

Beast Boy backed up sheepishly. "Nothing, RaeRae."

"Come on, Titans, keep it together," Robin said, covering his injured eye with one hand. "We can do this." As soon as the elevator doors opened, Robin rushed out with a battle cry, but due to the fact that his left side was momentarily blind, he ran straight into a support beam. He growled in anger. "Who put that support beam there? Curse you, writers!" he shouted, blood now streaming from his nose. In anger, he gave the support beam a kick, but this only injured his toe. "Ah! My coolness!" he lamented as he hopped around on one foot. "I can feel it dropping!"

The Titans watched in awe as an actual "cool meter" showed up on the left side of Robin, and they looked on, fascinated, as his "cool meter" literally did drop. Though it apparently started at one hundred, now it was at ninety.

"Dude, your cool meter went down ten points," Beast Boy said.

"I'll fix that!" Robin said, taking his staff and accidentally hitting Raven on the head. His cool meter went up two points.

"Why does hitting me count _toward_ Robin's coolness?" Raven raged, rubbing her head.

"Don't know, but let's all hit Raven!" Beast Boy crowed. The four Titans approached Raven, but she unleashed her inner demon and quickly had them cowering in a corner.

"Never mind," Beast Boy said. "Let's just stick to taking Slade down."

"Come on, Titans!" Robin yelled, staggering out of the Tower toward their jet. Everyone else followed, and once they were inside, the jet was powered up. "Is everyone ready?" Robin asked. They all nodded. "Then let's go!" The airplane rose into the air, but the only place the jet "went" was into the side of the Tower. Laughing nervously and receiving glares from the rest of the team, Robin quickly reversed the jet and flew it toward Jump City. Once the jet landed in the street on top of several vehicles, the Titans jumped out.

"All right, Titans, be on the lookout," Robin muttered, still hopping around on one foot. "Slade could be anywhere, and we — "

"So we meet again, Titans."


	2. One Hundred Thousand

Everyone gasped again, and they turned to see Slade. Unlike their own lame three dimensional animation, however, Slade's looked different. His design was very similar to his previous _Teen Titans_ counterpart but with harsher lines and more stylized animation.

Beast Boy squeaked as he turned into a mouse and ran behind Cyborg. "It's Slade!"

"Come on, guys!" Robin said, swallowing and gripping his staff. "We've got to attack!"

"You first," Raven said.

"I'll go in the place of the third," Starfire said.

"Beast Boy, go," Robin muttered.

"Me? No thanks, I'm too slow," Beast Boy said, changing into a turtle. "I'll lead the rear."

Slade calculatingly watched the Titans. "Is this true? The Titans, too fearful to attack?"

"We are not fearful!" Beast Boy said, poking his head out of his turtle shell before withdrawing it.

"Of course," Slade said. He swung his bowstaff over his shoulder, his single eye narrowing in what seemed to be a sneer. "Yet the five Titan heroes refuse to fight me."

"But man, _that_ is cool," Raven said.

"He is truly, the 'cool,' " Starfire said, perhaps a bit dreamily.

"No, Starfire!" Robin said desperately. "I'm the cool one! It's me, not — "

"Let's check his cool meter," Cyborg said.

Beside Slade, his cool meter showed a starting point of ten thousand.

"Ten thousand?" everyone yelled.

"You should take lessons from him, Robin," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, maybe that way you won't crash into support beams!" Beast Boy laughed.

Robin blushed. "It's an error! That number isn't right!"

The scene switched back to Slade, and this time Robin dealt a kick to Slade's cool meter using his injured foot, which caused him to howl in pain. Very quickly, the meter righted itself and flashed an amazing one hundred thousand.

"One hundred thousand?!" everyone screeched.

Robin, by now, had passed out.

Raven was nodding. "Man, if I weren't a hero, I just might consider becoming a villain."

"I am the with you," Starfire said, laughing gleefully.

"It beats having Robin as a leader," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, I mean sometimes Robin can be a real . . . " Beast Boy changed into a donkey briefly, and everyone laughed.

"My coolness!" Robin said, waking up and rubbing his head. He blinked several times, then glared over at Slade, who stood watching them with an almost lazy expression.

"So the great hero decides to return," Slade said.

The Titans were laughing their heads off while Robin blushed, and Slade's cool meter went up by two hundred points.

"And I only get two by hitting Raven?" Robin asked. He fell to his knees, crying out to the sky. "Why? _Why_?!" Robin's cool meter decreased to fifteen.

"If you're not careful, your cool meter's going to go negative," Raven said.

But Robin was sobbing now. As he pointed at Slade, his cool meter decreased to zero. "And he's so cool and I'm not!"

"That is okay, friend Robin," Starfire said. "Slade has the cool. You have . . . " She glanced back at the rest of the Titans for support.

"Um . . . " Cyborg said.

"What you have is . . . " Raven said.

"It's . . . " Beast Boy said. "I don't know. But whatever it is, you've got it, bro!"

"Do you really mean that?" Robin said, wiping his face.

"Yes!" Starfire said. "You are the possessor of the nothing!"

Robin looked at Starfire then burst out crying once again.

"Your team is not worthy of being known as heroes," Slade said. "On the contrary, the Titans are pathetic."

Slade's cool meter went up three hundred points, and suddenly the entire Titans team was crying.

"He is the right!" Starfire cried.

"Look at us!" Cyborg said. "We're lame! _Lame_!"

"And I'll never be cool!" Robin sobbed.

"And we'll never be cool so long as Robin's our leader!" Beast Boy said.

"Maybe Slade will train us to be cool!" Starfire said.

In an instant, every Titan except Robin was on their hands and knees in front of Slade, looking up at him in adoration.

"Will you be our new team leader, Slade?" Raven asked.

"The please?" Starfire added.

"If you teach us to be cool, we'll make you great waffles," Cyborg said, pulling a plate of waffles from behind his back while Beast Boy sniffed the plate and nodded emphatically.

"No, guys!" Robin said, taking out a batarang with a bomb attached to it and throwing the weapon toward Slade. "He's the enemy!"

Slade casually swung his staff down to deflect the batarang right back to Robin. Robin yelled in the background as the batarang detonated on impact, but none of the Titans were paying attention. After a moment, Slade turned away with a look of disgust. "None of you are worthy of being my apprentices."

"He's right!" Beast Boy cried.

"We are the losers!" Starfire sobbed.

"And we always will be!" Raven said.

All four of the Titans were now busy crying and hugging each other. Robin, however, got up with gritted teeth. He faced Slade, and Slade faced him. Taking a deep breath, Robin rushed Slade, yelling as he dealt punch after punch and kick after kick. After several moments of this, however, Robin realized that Slade had simply been holding him back with a bowstaff pressed to his forehead the entire time. Slade kicked him in the stomach, and Robin flew backwards and landed on his back.

"I . . . will be cool," Robin said, struggling to his feet. "I'll take you down, then I'll be the coolest!"

Slade relaxed. "An interesting motive, yet I assume this is a last resort since defeating me is something you've never been able to do." Slade smirked, and his cool meter went up another one hundred points.

"How is he doing that?" Robin asked though another sob. "Why can't I be that cool?!"

"Because you are the lame," Starfire said, now done crying along with the rest of the Titans.

"Slade's not just one-upping you, bro," Cyborg said. "You never had a chance."

"Be quiet!" Robin hissed at the Titans. "I will be cooler than Slade."

"Your luck is not the good," Starfire said.

"Because he is _cool_ ," Raven said, nodding emphatically.

"Very cool," Starfire added with a giggle.

"Come on, guys!" Robin whined, now on his hands and knees looking up with a pleading expression at his teammates. "Isn't there one thing I can do better than him?"

"You're good at being lame," Cyborg said.

"And obsessive," Raven said.

"And stupid," Beast Boy said.

"And the ugly," Starfire added.

All the Titans' words cut Robin like a sword, and suddenly he fell over and died. The four Titans had a funeral for him in the background, and just as Slade was about to leave, a hand shot up from the grave and out came Robin.

"Dude, you're alive!" Cyborg crowed.

"Yeah, we were hoping you were dead," Beast Boy said.

Robin panted as he brushed off dirt from his head. "I . . . will not be uncool!" He turned to Slade. "Slade, I will — hey, these flowers are nice." Robin picked up the flowers that the Titans had laid on his grave, and he looked up at the Titans as he sniffed them. "What kind of flowers are they?"  
"Tamarian fireshooting flowers," Starfire said gleefully.

In an instant, both Robin's face and his hand were enveloped in flames as the bunch of flowers held true to their name. He screamed and ran around in a circle until Beast Boy turned into an elephant and doused him liberally with water. Robin choked, spat out a fish, then shook himself dry. He glared over at Slade again, letting out a cry of, "I will be cool!"

Slade, meanwhile, let out a laugh. "On the contrary, Robin. You and the rest of the Titans have been reduced to comedians."

"Hey, everyone loves comedy!" Beast Boy said.

"Yeah, it's almost a quarter cool as drama!" Raven said.

"You've insulted comedy!" Cyborg said.

"The comedy is not the cool, but it is the fun!" Starfire said.

"Finally," Robin said, standing next to the Titans. "Now, Titans, are we ready to attack?"

"Yeah!" the Titans shouted.

"Right! Titans, go!"

It was Slade versus the Titans. Though perhaps five against one could count as an advantage, right before springing into battle, it showed the cool meters of all five of the Titans. Even combining everyone's 'coolness meter,' Slade still beat them all by a landslide. Which was why, when the actual battle began, there was no contest. Switching to arcade game format, the five Titans rushed toward Slade to attack him. But at the last second, Slade suddenly grew fifty times larger than normal. Though the Titans fought valiantly, their attacks had no effect on Slade. His coolness was too great, and in an instant, he delivered a single punch which knocked all the Titans unconscious and won the game. By the time the Titans regained consciousness, Slade was long gone.


	3. A Portal

"He's too . . . cool," Robin groaned as he pulled himself into a sitting position.

"But I'm happy," Raven said, smirking. "My coolness level is four hundred."

"Yeah, three fifty, baby!" Cyborg said, grinning himself.

"I can't believe mine's one hundred fifty," Beast Boy said, staring with awe at his own coolness meter.

"And I have the three hundred," Starfire said, giggling and hugging the meter.

Robin's, however, was still zero. He pouted and muttered under his breath, gave his own meter a kick, and it dropped five points.

"Haha!" Beast Boy said, his own meter rising another ten points. "Robin's gone negative!"

"No!" Robin cried, dropping to his knees and pounding the ground in front of his cool meter. "Please go up! Just five points so I can be at zero?" This only caused the meter to drop another five points.

Raven shook her head. "As the current reining 'cool' Titan, Robin, you should just ignore it. Don't care about it." She looked at her cool meter, shrugged, turned away from it, and in rose twenty points. "See?"

The rest of the Titans, already taking notes, all turned away from their cool meters and gained another ten points. Robin did the same, but his cool meter dropped by four points.

"Some people just got bad luck," Cyborg said.

"You just got bad coolness!" Beast Boy laughed.

Robin shook his head in despair, then looked up. "Where's Slade, guys?"

"I think he left," Starfire said.

"Yeah," Beast Boy said, "his coolness was too cool."

Robin blinked, though no one could tell since he wore a mask. "Wait, no!" Robin jumped up and ran to where Slade had stood, then fell to his knees with a cry. "No, Slade! Come back! I have to be cooler than you!" He rounded on the Titans. "Titans!" he shouted. "We've got to find Slade!"

"How we gonna do that, bro?" Beast Boy asked, turning into an armadillo and rolling around in a circle.

"We don't know how to track him," Raven said. "He left no trace."

Pulling out a locating device, Robin turned the gadget on and gasped in surprise. "There! Guys, there's Slade!"

"That's not Slade," Cyborg said, rolling his eyes. "That's Silkie!"

"Wait, Silkie has a locator on him?" Raven asked.

"What for?" Beast Boy asked.

As all the Titans considered what Silkie could be doing, the scene suddenly switched. Deep in an underground cavern sat one hundred moth larvae, all busy in different forms of battle. Some were training in hand-to-hand combat, some were fighting with swords, and others fought using bows and arrows. Then, suddenly, in the midst of it all sat one moth larva, perched on a chair and quite obviously the master of all the others.

"Cease your training, my comrades," Silkie said. "On the day that our owners fall, we will rise to defend the earth and — "

Robin shook his head. "Anyway, it doesn't matter."

"Probably chewing a boot," Cyborg said.

"Or licking up an ice cream cone," Beast Boy said.

"But we need to find Slade, guys!" Robin said.

"Yeah, since this episode, our ratings have never been higher!" Beast Boy said, changing into a monkey, reaching to the top of the screen, and pulling down a line chart to show that their ratings had, indeed, risen since the episode began.

"Forget the ratings!" Robin said. "What about my coolness meter?" He glanced over at his negative meter with deep sadness, and a cloud appeared out of nowhere over Robin's head and began to rain on him. Just as he was sighing, the cloud shocked him several times with lightning. "Can't I get a brea — ah!"

"Robin, look!" Starfire said.

Robin looked painfully up at Starfire. "What is it Starfi — ah!"

"Slade left us the trail!" Starfire said.

Robin leaped up, clearing the cloud above his head using pure determination. "I knew it! Take that, Slade's cool meter!"

"But it is a trail of coolness," Starfire said.

"Wow," Raven said. "I've never seen one of these before. I've only read about it."

Robin looked at the trail Slade had left, and he growled under his breath as he saw that, every few feet, the word "Cool" was burned into ground, still aflame even after so much time. Robin's eyes narrowed. "So cool," he muttered.

"Too cool," Beast Boy said.

"Slade is the master of the cool," Starfire agreed.

"No, guys! I'm the coolest!" Robin said. As if on cue, his negative cool meter fell on top of him, crushing him and showing the rest of the Titans that what he said was false.

"Only trust the meter," Beast Boy said, already in dog form and busy following Slade's trail.

"Even the five of us, with all our coolness, couldn't take him down," Raven said.

"So I know that Robin will never be able to beat the Slade Cool Meter," Starfire said, nodding.

"Slade's cooler," Raven said.

"And better," Cyborg said.

"And stronger," Beast Boy said.

"And the — " Starfire didn't finish her sentence, but she looked over at Raven and began giggling with her.

Robin blinked. "Come on, guys! Have a little faith in your leader!"

"I have the faith in Slade," Starfire said.

The rest of the team nodded, and Robin, his face falling, dragged after the rest of the team as they followed Slade's trail of coolness. The trail of cool continued for ten minutes or so, leading the team to the inside of an abandoned warehouse with gears churning all around.

"I think Slade just gained another five hundred points," Cyborg said, craning his neck to look up at the gears that turned above them.

"These gears are cool," Raven agreed.

"Just like he is," Starfire said with another giggle.

"Starfire, I'm the one who's — "

Beast Boy turned into an elephant and used his trunk to toss Robin aside. "Look, guys!" he trumpeted. "There's Slade!"

Starfire looked around. "The where? The where?"

"There!" Raven said, using her powers to make a giant finger to point toward Slade.

The four Titans ran up a flight of stairs to where Slade stood. Robin followed soon after, trying to make a cool entrance by using his grappling hook, attaching it to the ceiling, and swinging toward Slade. However, at the last moment Slade sidestepped the attack so that Robin face planted into a wall. Robin's cool meter went down another twenty points while the rest of the Titans cheered.

"We meet again, Titans," Slade said, "but not for long."

"What do you mean, Slade?" Robin asked, struggling to his feet.

Slade motioned to the large metal ring he stood in front of.

"Is that a doughnut?" Beast Boy asked.

"This is a portal," Slade said, his eye gleaming. "You see, Titans, I am leaving."

"Whoa, you can _do_ that?" Cyborg asked.

Slade chuckled. Bending down, he turned the mechanism on and stood in front of a portal. "Using this device, I am able to return to my former location. Leaving a much different world than this several days ago, I originally arrived here with an intent to control Jump City, but I've come to realize that controlling this world would be unsatisfying."

"What do you mean, unsad is . . . that?" Beast Boy asked.

Raven gasped. "Are you saying that we're not a challenge to fight?"

Slade's eye narrowed in a sneer. "Hardly," he said. "And when there is no challenge, where is the motivation?"

"You can't do that, Slade!" Robin said. "I have to be cooler than you!"

"You assume that a simple statement of fact will change a lie into a truth," Slade said. "I will return. You five will remain."

"Yes, Slade," everyone except Robin said.

"Wh — no!" Robin turned to Slade. "I'm going to stop you from leaving, Sl – "

But in that instant, Slade stepped through the portal. Robin's mouth dropped open, and the portal shut off immediately after Slade walked through.

"Now _that_ was cool," Raven said, pointing at the portal.

"You taking notes, Robin?" Beast Boy asked.

Cyborg shrugged, then sighed. "Well, I guess we can't ask Slade to be our leader again."

"And I was hoping he would say the yes," Starfire said, sighing with a frown.

"Might as well get going," Raven said, walking away from the portal.

"Nothing else cool here," Beast Boy said.

Starfire sighed again, turning away as well. "He was so the cool, too."

"Who's up for pizza?" Beast Boy asked.

The rest of the Titans left Robin standing there, mouth still agape. The lights in the building turned off, and after several minutes, Robin finally fell to his knees. "Slade, why do you have to be cooler than me?!"

+The End+


End file.
